I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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