brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Im at strip club and am horny
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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