you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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