The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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