insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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