If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
