I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
