where am i from again
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
