I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think my mom watched the whole time
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
