a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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