hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
