if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
