if only i could text you this smell
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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