I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
