she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
