Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
All I want is dick and wine.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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