I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
