I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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