I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
