Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
