Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Shame - the story of my life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
