it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
