She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
