I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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