Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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