As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
