Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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