OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
