i was born a porn star she said
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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