i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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