My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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