Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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