my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
