I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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