Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
