Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
