My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
