dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
