I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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