My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize