You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
how does that bad decision feel?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize