I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
