I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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