I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
