Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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