i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
