Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
