I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
