I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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