also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
