Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
