First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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