My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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