Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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