Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
