Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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