My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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