Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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