my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize