I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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